CABLE #17

Having succeeded in his quest to turn the Earth into such a living shithole that there will be no future for Cable to flee into, Bishop takes control of the last remaining city and hunts for Hope at the scene of humanity's last stand. Cable, having been separated from Hope for two years while suffering from the loss of telekinetic control over the techno-organic virus that plagues his body, arrives to find a now adolescent Hope living in hiding, protected by a boy she's fallen in love with. Horrified at this, Cable steals a rocket built by the inhabitants of the city (their last hope for escaping the dying Earth and preserving the human race) and flies off into space. I realize Bishop and Cable believe that none of this will count if Hope dies/lives to become mutant messiah and I hope one of them is right, because otherwise these two assholes are going to have a lot to answer for.

you tell it, bats

Darth Vader was kinda emo.

i wish there were more comics about darth vader being sad

Lockjaw and the Pet Avengers # 1

Reed Richards is on the moon informing the Inhumans that the Infinity Gems are out there somewhere and that only people with steely resolve should find them. As fate would have it, everyone's favorite mustachioed giant bulldog with a tuning fork coming out of his head, Lockjaw finds the Mind Gem. He teleports back to try and tell Black Bolt, Medusa, and Reed but they ignore him because he's obviously just a giant dumb dog. Medusa tells him to teleport away and Lockjaw does going to Central Park.

He meets Throg, the guy who got turned into a frog and then found a piece of Thor's hammer turning him into a Thor Frog. The Mind gem has created a mental link that allows Lockjaw to communicate. He convinces Throg to join him on his quest to find the rest of the Infinity gems. They then go to the X-Mansion and recruit Lockheed, who is depressed because everyone he knows is dead or gone. Next up they recruit the Falcon's falcon who believes himself to be superior to everyone else. Next they run into Hairball, Speedball's pet cat with the same powers (why Hairball is no longer P-Cat, The Penitent Puss is not explained). Pestering the crap out of Hairball is Ms. Lions, Aunt May's pet male dog. Ms. Lions is apparently retarded and everyone hates him, just like Aunt May.

Lockjaw then takes the world's best animal superheroes to the Savage Land where they find the TIME GEM, which gets put into Lockheed's care. Then a T-Rex shows up and the issue is to be continued.


Someone should buy me this or a Throg action figure if there is one.

Where have you gone SUPER COOL CAT

HA, HA! OLD TIN CANS ARE BEING TOSSED AT HIM JUST LIKE A REAL YOWLING CAT GETS PELTED !


animal abuse isn't funny and i think that sentence has poor grammar.

UNCANNY X-MEN #509

The X-Men are enjoying their new, idyllic life in San Francisco: a beautiful, tolerant land where mutants can live openly, a land where they are free to carry out their own brand of lawless, brutal justice in the streets, free to instruct young children while dressed in garish S&M costumes.


It all seems too good to be true, and naturally the state of California has introduced a ballot initiative (Proposition X) which would institute mandatory sterilization of all mutants. Cyclops feels confident that the measure will be defeated, but the others are (perhaps justifiably) uncomfortable with their right to breed being put to a vote. On top of that, Scott has to deal with everyone crawling up his ass about the supposed problems he's having with Emma. Apparently everyone in his life has pinned all their hopes for love on the success of this relationship, but maybe the guy just feels like sleeping on the couch sometimes, y'know?

As if the prospect of forced castration and relationship trouble weren't enough to keep him up at night, Scott's demented ex-wife (X-Wife?) has assembled a Sisterhood of Evil mutants, full of vague, supernatural plans for destroying the X-Men and conquering death that center on reincarnating Psylocke as their mindless slave and repeatedly stabbing Wolverine. This is what you get, when you marry the evil clone of your high school sweetheart and then act all surprised when she becomes The Goblin Queen.

Thor #601

In this issue, everyone is as busy as beavers!

- Thor sits in a field pondering the fate of his hammer, which broke a little after he smashed his grandfather in the face with it;

- Balder agrees to relocate to Latveria, despite his reservations;

- Dr. Doom researches exotic foods on Wikipedia;

- Volstagg becomes hopelessly drunk, shares a moment of tender understanding with a goat, throws things around, and yells at his fellows for abandoning Thor ("codpiece sniffer" is not an accusation to be made lightly, but Volstagg was angry and ashamed and I understand why he felt like he had to go there);

- a beautiful lady of Asgard falls in love, quite plausibly, with a short order cook

and there was some other stuff about Loki's female form actually being the body of Thor's beloved Sif, and that she's going to die now that Loki is abandoning it. IDK, I didn't pay much attention to this, except to wonder how Thor failed to notice that his evil half-brother had been reincarnated in the body of his estranged lover. Thor: God of Thunder, not Keen Observation.

Daredevil #118

Daredevil gets yelled at by his supporting cast, who disapprove of his alliance with the Kingpin, and more generally of the way in which he's been fucking up his life and the lives of the people around him. Foggy, in particular, is so pissed that he fires Matt from their law firm. Can he... do that? Meanwhile, Kingpin bickers with the ghost of his ex-wife (who appears to be literally visible to him), and sends Leland "The Owl" Owlsley to hire Lady Bullseye for a mysterious job. Maybe his plan is to hire her to kill HERSELF.

wolverine the movie

just like the comic the movie is pretty generic. wolverine was cooler back when he didn't know anything about himself and didn't show up in every other comic.

Battle for the Cowl #2

The last days of Bruce Wayne were fateful and momentous: betrayed by his lover Jetsabel Jet to the Black Glove, an evil organization of wealthy socialite criminals whose raison d'être is to corrupt and destroy noble souls, Bruce was attacked with a post-hypnotic suggestion that had been implanted during his time in an isolation chamber (he was trying to simulate madness in an attempt to better understand the Joker), and, just for kicks, they also shoot him up with heroin and crystal meth before dumping him in the ghetto. If Batman has a super-power, though, it is his uncanny level of preparedness against any possible assault, and to protect himself in the event of an attack on his mind, Bruce used the memory of one of his isolation hallucinations as the basis for a safe mode for the operating system of his brain: the Batman of Zur-En-Arrh!

Above: Batman has lost his mind.

The Batman of Zur-En-Arrh prowls the streets, beating the agents of the Black Glove half to death with a baseball bat and ultimately confronting their leader in his stronghold at Arkham Asylum. There, Black Glove kingpin Dr. Jonathan Hurt feebly tries to convince Bruce first that he is actually his father, Thomas Wayne, and when that doesn't work he claims to be Satan (I guess) and offers to let Bruce live on the condition that he become his manservant. Somewhat predictably, Bruce rejects this offer, and in the ensuing melee a helicopter explodes and Batman is presumed dead.

BUT! In fact, Bruce survived the explosion, and is immediately called away on Justice League business to investigate the murder of the New God Orion, who was killed by a bullet of radion fired backwards through time. In the course of his investigation into this act of deicide, he is captured by the servants of Darkseid and is subject to weeks of psychic torture before overcoming his captors through the sheer force of his will, finally coming face-to-face with the Dark God himself. In his final moment, Batman breaks his vow to never kill or use a firearm -- and, armed with the same bullet that was used to kill Orion, he achieves the ultimate fulfillment of his life's mission by murdering the cosmic personification of evil, before falling victim to the dread Omega Sanction, becoming hopelessly dislodged from time and space. Batman RIP.

SO ANYWAY, all hell has broken loose in Gotham -- lol actually you know what, BBL.

First Church of the New Gods

FRIENDS: DO NOT WASTE ANOTHER PRAYER on sweaty desert gods who may never return! There are NEW GODS, and their struggles will decide the fate of all free peoples of the universe! Pray instead to Highfather, he who can read the will of the Source! Pray for mighty Orion, who fights for Earth! Pray for his strength, so that he might overcome the servants of Apokalips! Pray for his soul, so that he might travel through darkness and not become lost! Finally, pray for yourselves! Pray that you never have to live as a malformed slave of Darkseid! Pray that Death can race faster than Anti-Life!

The Heroes

batman is a brilliant lyricist

COMIX ON PARADE

Daredevil #117

Following the death of his wife, Wilson "The Kingpin" Fisk left America to start a new life in Europe, where he quickly fell in love with a Spanish woman and her two young children. For their sake he had renounced violence, and so it fell upon Lady Bullseye and her army of undead ninja assassins ("The Hand") to brutally murder them, and thereby free Fisk to return to the business of trying to kill Daredevil. This catastrophically stupid plan backfires almost immediately, as the Kingpin does return to New York to find Daredevil, but does so to form an alliance with the intent of destroying The Hand once and for all. Wilson seems to consider this a suicide mission, but seeing as The Hand have never successfully completed any evil plot that I can remember, he probably just has a death wish.




Dark Avengers #3


We flashback to Norman Osborn sitting down for a heart-to-heart with The Sentry about what it's like to be an out-of-control super-powered lunatic, while a bunch of crazy shit like this continues to happen.





Captain America #48

Bucky has been captured by the mad scientist Zhang Chin, an enemy from his past who has also managed to kidnap Namor the Sub-Mariner and to resurrect the original Human Torch. Chin intends to use Human Torch as a carrier for a deadly virus he's created, but the Black Widow arrives in time to free the heroes. Bucky manages to stop the virus, while Namor kills Chin and reminds us surface dwellers of the need to control our useless and disgusting emotions -- a lesson both valuable and timely.




X-Force/Cable: MESSIAH WAR

Tired of waiting for Cable to stop dicking around in the future and bring the damn messiah home, Cyclops sends Wolverine and the other mean, pointy X-Men he hangs out with forward through time to find him. Upon arriving they immediately run into Deadpool, who is there not because he has a time machine but because he has just gone on living for a thousand years, and together they set out to find Cable and engage him in a completely pointless fight. Meanwhile, Bishop finds Cable's arch-enemy, his demented clone Stryfe, drinking in a bar. Bishop blames all of the crimes he's committed against humanity on Cable, and promises Stryfe revenge against HIS arch-enemy (Stryfe's, not Bishop's; Bishop's arch-enemy is Cable) Apocalypse if he kills Cable. Oh, and they might all be stuck in the future or something. I guess.



X-Men: Sword of the Braddocks

lol I changed my mind, I do not want to read this fucking thing

New Avengers # 51

This issue opens up with Dormammu telling the Hood that Dr. Strange isn't Sorcerer Supreme anymore and that the Hood should kill him before anyone else gets the chance.
Meanwhile Dr. Strange is trying to find the new Sorcerer Supreme. He talks to Wiccan, thinking he might be the one when the Hood shows up.

Also concurrently the New Avengers are meeting and they decide that Ronin/Hawkeye/Clint Barton will be the new team leader with Ms. Marvel being second in command.
Barton's first order of business is that Spider-man needs to unmask. After all how can they trust someone who they never get to look in the eye.

According to what's been said from the spidey braintrust about the BRAND NEW DAY. Everything that happened in the past still happened except Mary Jane and Peter Parker never married and also that when Spidey unmasked in front of tv cameras during the civil war everybody saw his face but then forgot who he was.

Spider-man spends about 5 minutes time lamenting how his family and friends could get hurt if the wrong people found out who he is. Then just whips his mask off.



Jessica Jones-Cage then tells Petey how she used to be in love with him in high school much to the displeasure of Luke Cage. Wolverine just sits there and eats proving once again he's the best at what he does. All of a sudden they hear a noise and rush outside, Petey still unmasked (which seems kind of odd). Lying on Captain Bucky's doorstep is Dr. Strange all roughed up and asking for help.

Dark Avengers #1-2

Tony Stark's term as Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. could fairly be described as troubled. On his watch Captain America was assassinated; his plan to deal with the Hulk backfired and ended with the complete destruction of New York City at the hands of an enraged, unstoppable green monster; and all of his vaunted technology was rendered useless by alien invaders who infiltrated the ranks of government and super hero organizations and briefly conquered the Earth. Even by the standards of the last 8 years this stands out as an exceptional series of cock-ups, and so Stark had to be removed from power. To restore honor and accountability to the position of America's Top Cop comes Norman Osborn, a psychotic super-criminal so senselessly evil that he once chose his high-rise office space for the view it afforded him of the bridge from which he threw Gwen Stacy to her death. Presumably this was the one final fiendish breath drawn by the Bush Administration, but President Obama has not opposed the appointment.

Osborn wastes no time in forming a new Avengers team, comprised of other mentally ill supervillains eager to live out their fantasies of heroism -- Bullseye becomes Hawkeye, Venom becomes Spider-Man, etc -- and a few former Stark Avengers who are either too bloodthirsty or emotionally unstable to care who they're working for, so long as they get to hit things. And yet something is missing, for what are the Avengers without Captain America and Iron Man? This does not escape Norman, and in his glorious insanity he helps himself to one of Iron Man's spare suits*, paints it red, white, and blue, and declares himself THE IRON PATRIOT.

The Asshole Avengers have little time to enjoy their posh new lives as superheroes, however: a volatile situation has developed in Eastern Europe. One of Director Osborn's first official acts was to free Dr. Doom from federal prison (cuz, sure, why not) and send him back to his kingdom of Latveria. There he and his envoy are attacked by the Arthurian-era sorceress Morgana le Fey, who had shared what she thought was a tender love affair with Doom only to realize he was using her to gain access to her vast reserves of evil spells.

"BAVALOOMNI" is the most powerful magic word. If you are ever engaged in magical combat with an angry 6th-Century sorceress, say it first.

The Avengers arrive to calm things down -- or, more accurately, to tear Morgana's fucking head off -- but she cannot be thwarted so easily, as she continues to reappear from the past to attack them with magic and gargoyles. Is all hope lost? Probably! I'll let you know as soon as I read the new issue!

*Easily done, since Stark used federal funds to rebuild his personal infrastructure after it was smashed by the Hulk. Oh, the corruption!

abomination errr--Ultimatum # 3 recap

apparently magneto has given up on mutant supremacy and decides that since he can evidently manipulate volcanoes,tidal waves, and the weather with his magnetic powers he will now create a new heaven on earth choosing those who he shall save. he tells mystique this while mystique is looking like the scarlet witch in her undies.


henry pym having witnessed his ex-wife being eaten by the blob (who in this issue has become even more ugly) becomes super engraged. pym picks up the blob who must've just got done playing the x-men arcade game because he shouts, "nothing moves the blob----." pym bites the blob's head off and spits it out and then rushes janet's corpse back to the triskelion and tells iron man to look up the encrypted JOCASATA project.


angel wants to go fight magneto by himself since dazzler is dead. the rest of the x-men get in his way.


captain america and thor are somewhere in asgard fighting off ogres and monsters. cap asks thor if they are in hell. thor says no. but then hel shows up proving that thor doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. hel tells thor that she'll restore the valkyrie to life but one of them will have to stay.


multiple man is acting as a suicide bomber around the world blowing up crap everywhere. henry pym somehow makes all the suicide bombing multiple men attacking the triskelion jump on him and he rushes out into the ocean where they all blow up. valkyrie and captain america wake up from death. captain america is sad because thor died in his place and then hawkeye who's becoming quite the bitch says something like "well thor wasn't the only one to die saving you; henry pym died saving the woman you both love."


then captain america realizes that they need to gather every available hero to save the world, even though charlie xavier told them the same shit in issue 1.



GRADE: F-

only two more issues and a few more tie-ins until it's over. i wish marvel would kick jeph loeb to the curb afterwards.

ultimate end

marvel's ultimate universe is ending only to brought back a month or two later.
they've already killed some characters. more likely to die. it seems really dumb that characters like daredevil and a few of the x-men would simply drown and not die fighting. when the revamp happens i demand to see the return of ultimate dazzler.

THOR #600

Loki, that mischievous bitch, resurrects an ancient Asgardian warrior, enchants him so that he thinks everything he sees is demonic, and sets him loose to wreak havoc in Times Square. Thor arrives just in time to get the shit slapped out of him, and when he cries out for reinforcements, Norman Osborne and his Asshole Avengers answer the call and try to arrest them both. Thor heroically beats their asses and manages to strike a desperate final blow against the mad god, slaying him. But lo, what treachery is this? Loki arrives and informs Thor that the Asgardian he's just killed was Bor, father of Odin, grandfather of Thor.

In Asgard, the law is clear and absolute, and for his act of deicide Thor must be banished. Unfortunate, because the remaining Asgardians are a hapless, pitifully stupid bunch; and sure enough, with Thor gone it takes Loki something like 15 minutes to convince the lot of them that they should pack up and move to Latveria, the most evil place on Earth. Quite why Dr. Doom should want these drunken louts living in his country is not made clear, but doubtless he has some nefarious end in store for them. Tragedy, thy name is Asgard!

He got what he deserved

RIP BATMAN

YOU DIED A HYPOCRITE

Seriously, Jeph Loeb STOP.

The comic: Ultimate Hulk Annual #1



The story: Zarda from one of the Squadron Supreme universes fights the Ultimate Hulk because Hulk won't wear pants and wants to eat waffles. They fight. Hulk comes close to beating Zarda. She admires him for some reason or other. They both eat waffles. Then Zarda and the Hulk have sex.


Jeph Loeb stop this shit.