COMIX ON PARADE

Daredevil #117

Following the death of his wife, Wilson "The Kingpin" Fisk left America to start a new life in Europe, where he quickly fell in love with a Spanish woman and her two young children. For their sake he had renounced violence, and so it fell upon Lady Bullseye and her army of undead ninja assassins ("The Hand") to brutally murder them, and thereby free Fisk to return to the business of trying to kill Daredevil. This catastrophically stupid plan backfires almost immediately, as the Kingpin does return to New York to find Daredevil, but does so to form an alliance with the intent of destroying The Hand once and for all. Wilson seems to consider this a suicide mission, but seeing as The Hand have never successfully completed any evil plot that I can remember, he probably just has a death wish.




Dark Avengers #3


We flashback to Norman Osborn sitting down for a heart-to-heart with The Sentry about what it's like to be an out-of-control super-powered lunatic, while a bunch of crazy shit like this continues to happen.





Captain America #48

Bucky has been captured by the mad scientist Zhang Chin, an enemy from his past who has also managed to kidnap Namor the Sub-Mariner and to resurrect the original Human Torch. Chin intends to use Human Torch as a carrier for a deadly virus he's created, but the Black Widow arrives in time to free the heroes. Bucky manages to stop the virus, while Namor kills Chin and reminds us surface dwellers of the need to control our useless and disgusting emotions -- a lesson both valuable and timely.




X-Force/Cable: MESSIAH WAR

Tired of waiting for Cable to stop dicking around in the future and bring the damn messiah home, Cyclops sends Wolverine and the other mean, pointy X-Men he hangs out with forward through time to find him. Upon arriving they immediately run into Deadpool, who is there not because he has a time machine but because he has just gone on living for a thousand years, and together they set out to find Cable and engage him in a completely pointless fight. Meanwhile, Bishop finds Cable's arch-enemy, his demented clone Stryfe, drinking in a bar. Bishop blames all of the crimes he's committed against humanity on Cable, and promises Stryfe revenge against HIS arch-enemy (Stryfe's, not Bishop's; Bishop's arch-enemy is Cable) Apocalypse if he kills Cable. Oh, and they might all be stuck in the future or something. I guess.



X-Men: Sword of the Braddocks

lol I changed my mind, I do not want to read this fucking thing

New Avengers # 51

This issue opens up with Dormammu telling the Hood that Dr. Strange isn't Sorcerer Supreme anymore and that the Hood should kill him before anyone else gets the chance.
Meanwhile Dr. Strange is trying to find the new Sorcerer Supreme. He talks to Wiccan, thinking he might be the one when the Hood shows up.

Also concurrently the New Avengers are meeting and they decide that Ronin/Hawkeye/Clint Barton will be the new team leader with Ms. Marvel being second in command.
Barton's first order of business is that Spider-man needs to unmask. After all how can they trust someone who they never get to look in the eye.

According to what's been said from the spidey braintrust about the BRAND NEW DAY. Everything that happened in the past still happened except Mary Jane and Peter Parker never married and also that when Spidey unmasked in front of tv cameras during the civil war everybody saw his face but then forgot who he was.

Spider-man spends about 5 minutes time lamenting how his family and friends could get hurt if the wrong people found out who he is. Then just whips his mask off.



Jessica Jones-Cage then tells Petey how she used to be in love with him in high school much to the displeasure of Luke Cage. Wolverine just sits there and eats proving once again he's the best at what he does. All of a sudden they hear a noise and rush outside, Petey still unmasked (which seems kind of odd). Lying on Captain Bucky's doorstep is Dr. Strange all roughed up and asking for help.

Dark Avengers #1-2

Tony Stark's term as Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. could fairly be described as troubled. On his watch Captain America was assassinated; his plan to deal with the Hulk backfired and ended with the complete destruction of New York City at the hands of an enraged, unstoppable green monster; and all of his vaunted technology was rendered useless by alien invaders who infiltrated the ranks of government and super hero organizations and briefly conquered the Earth. Even by the standards of the last 8 years this stands out as an exceptional series of cock-ups, and so Stark had to be removed from power. To restore honor and accountability to the position of America's Top Cop comes Norman Osborn, a psychotic super-criminal so senselessly evil that he once chose his high-rise office space for the view it afforded him of the bridge from which he threw Gwen Stacy to her death. Presumably this was the one final fiendish breath drawn by the Bush Administration, but President Obama has not opposed the appointment.

Osborn wastes no time in forming a new Avengers team, comprised of other mentally ill supervillains eager to live out their fantasies of heroism -- Bullseye becomes Hawkeye, Venom becomes Spider-Man, etc -- and a few former Stark Avengers who are either too bloodthirsty or emotionally unstable to care who they're working for, so long as they get to hit things. And yet something is missing, for what are the Avengers without Captain America and Iron Man? This does not escape Norman, and in his glorious insanity he helps himself to one of Iron Man's spare suits*, paints it red, white, and blue, and declares himself THE IRON PATRIOT.

The Asshole Avengers have little time to enjoy their posh new lives as superheroes, however: a volatile situation has developed in Eastern Europe. One of Director Osborn's first official acts was to free Dr. Doom from federal prison (cuz, sure, why not) and send him back to his kingdom of Latveria. There he and his envoy are attacked by the Arthurian-era sorceress Morgana le Fey, who had shared what she thought was a tender love affair with Doom only to realize he was using her to gain access to her vast reserves of evil spells.

"BAVALOOMNI" is the most powerful magic word. If you are ever engaged in magical combat with an angry 6th-Century sorceress, say it first.

The Avengers arrive to calm things down -- or, more accurately, to tear Morgana's fucking head off -- but she cannot be thwarted so easily, as she continues to reappear from the past to attack them with magic and gargoyles. Is all hope lost? Probably! I'll let you know as soon as I read the new issue!

*Easily done, since Stark used federal funds to rebuild his personal infrastructure after it was smashed by the Hulk. Oh, the corruption!

abomination errr--Ultimatum # 3 recap

apparently magneto has given up on mutant supremacy and decides that since he can evidently manipulate volcanoes,tidal waves, and the weather with his magnetic powers he will now create a new heaven on earth choosing those who he shall save. he tells mystique this while mystique is looking like the scarlet witch in her undies.


henry pym having witnessed his ex-wife being eaten by the blob (who in this issue has become even more ugly) becomes super engraged. pym picks up the blob who must've just got done playing the x-men arcade game because he shouts, "nothing moves the blob----." pym bites the blob's head off and spits it out and then rushes janet's corpse back to the triskelion and tells iron man to look up the encrypted JOCASATA project.


angel wants to go fight magneto by himself since dazzler is dead. the rest of the x-men get in his way.


captain america and thor are somewhere in asgard fighting off ogres and monsters. cap asks thor if they are in hell. thor says no. but then hel shows up proving that thor doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. hel tells thor that she'll restore the valkyrie to life but one of them will have to stay.


multiple man is acting as a suicide bomber around the world blowing up crap everywhere. henry pym somehow makes all the suicide bombing multiple men attacking the triskelion jump on him and he rushes out into the ocean where they all blow up. valkyrie and captain america wake up from death. captain america is sad because thor died in his place and then hawkeye who's becoming quite the bitch says something like "well thor wasn't the only one to die saving you; henry pym died saving the woman you both love."


then captain america realizes that they need to gather every available hero to save the world, even though charlie xavier told them the same shit in issue 1.



GRADE: F-

only two more issues and a few more tie-ins until it's over. i wish marvel would kick jeph loeb to the curb afterwards.