CABLE #17

Having succeeded in his quest to turn the Earth into such a living shithole that there will be no future for Cable to flee into, Bishop takes control of the last remaining city and hunts for Hope at the scene of humanity's last stand. Cable, having been separated from Hope for two years while suffering from the loss of telekinetic control over the techno-organic virus that plagues his body, arrives to find a now adolescent Hope living in hiding, protected by a boy she's fallen in love with. Horrified at this, Cable steals a rocket built by the inhabitants of the city (their last hope for escaping the dying Earth and preserving the human race) and flies off into space. I realize Bishop and Cable believe that none of this will count if Hope dies/lives to become mutant messiah and I hope one of them is right, because otherwise these two assholes are going to have a lot to answer for.

you tell it, bats

Darth Vader was kinda emo.

i wish there were more comics about darth vader being sad

Lockjaw and the Pet Avengers # 1

Reed Richards is on the moon informing the Inhumans that the Infinity Gems are out there somewhere and that only people with steely resolve should find them. As fate would have it, everyone's favorite mustachioed giant bulldog with a tuning fork coming out of his head, Lockjaw finds the Mind Gem. He teleports back to try and tell Black Bolt, Medusa, and Reed but they ignore him because he's obviously just a giant dumb dog. Medusa tells him to teleport away and Lockjaw does going to Central Park.

He meets Throg, the guy who got turned into a frog and then found a piece of Thor's hammer turning him into a Thor Frog. The Mind gem has created a mental link that allows Lockjaw to communicate. He convinces Throg to join him on his quest to find the rest of the Infinity gems. They then go to the X-Mansion and recruit Lockheed, who is depressed because everyone he knows is dead or gone. Next up they recruit the Falcon's falcon who believes himself to be superior to everyone else. Next they run into Hairball, Speedball's pet cat with the same powers (why Hairball is no longer P-Cat, The Penitent Puss is not explained). Pestering the crap out of Hairball is Ms. Lions, Aunt May's pet male dog. Ms. Lions is apparently retarded and everyone hates him, just like Aunt May.

Lockjaw then takes the world's best animal superheroes to the Savage Land where they find the TIME GEM, which gets put into Lockheed's care. Then a T-Rex shows up and the issue is to be continued.


Someone should buy me this or a Throg action figure if there is one.

Where have you gone SUPER COOL CAT

HA, HA! OLD TIN CANS ARE BEING TOSSED AT HIM JUST LIKE A REAL YOWLING CAT GETS PELTED !


animal abuse isn't funny and i think that sentence has poor grammar.

UNCANNY X-MEN #509

The X-Men are enjoying their new, idyllic life in San Francisco: a beautiful, tolerant land where mutants can live openly, a land where they are free to carry out their own brand of lawless, brutal justice in the streets, free to instruct young children while dressed in garish S&M costumes.


It all seems too good to be true, and naturally the state of California has introduced a ballot initiative (Proposition X) which would institute mandatory sterilization of all mutants. Cyclops feels confident that the measure will be defeated, but the others are (perhaps justifiably) uncomfortable with their right to breed being put to a vote. On top of that, Scott has to deal with everyone crawling up his ass about the supposed problems he's having with Emma. Apparently everyone in his life has pinned all their hopes for love on the success of this relationship, but maybe the guy just feels like sleeping on the couch sometimes, y'know?

As if the prospect of forced castration and relationship trouble weren't enough to keep him up at night, Scott's demented ex-wife (X-Wife?) has assembled a Sisterhood of Evil mutants, full of vague, supernatural plans for destroying the X-Men and conquering death that center on reincarnating Psylocke as their mindless slave and repeatedly stabbing Wolverine. This is what you get, when you marry the evil clone of your high school sweetheart and then act all surprised when she becomes The Goblin Queen.

Thor #601

In this issue, everyone is as busy as beavers!

- Thor sits in a field pondering the fate of his hammer, which broke a little after he smashed his grandfather in the face with it;

- Balder agrees to relocate to Latveria, despite his reservations;

- Dr. Doom researches exotic foods on Wikipedia;

- Volstagg becomes hopelessly drunk, shares a moment of tender understanding with a goat, throws things around, and yells at his fellows for abandoning Thor ("codpiece sniffer" is not an accusation to be made lightly, but Volstagg was angry and ashamed and I understand why he felt like he had to go there);

- a beautiful lady of Asgard falls in love, quite plausibly, with a short order cook

and there was some other stuff about Loki's female form actually being the body of Thor's beloved Sif, and that she's going to die now that Loki is abandoning it. IDK, I didn't pay much attention to this, except to wonder how Thor failed to notice that his evil half-brother had been reincarnated in the body of his estranged lover. Thor: God of Thunder, not Keen Observation.

Daredevil #118

Daredevil gets yelled at by his supporting cast, who disapprove of his alliance with the Kingpin, and more generally of the way in which he's been fucking up his life and the lives of the people around him. Foggy, in particular, is so pissed that he fires Matt from their law firm. Can he... do that? Meanwhile, Kingpin bickers with the ghost of his ex-wife (who appears to be literally visible to him), and sends Leland "The Owl" Owlsley to hire Lady Bullseye for a mysterious job. Maybe his plan is to hire her to kill HERSELF.

wolverine the movie

just like the comic the movie is pretty generic. wolverine was cooler back when he didn't know anything about himself and didn't show up in every other comic.

Battle for the Cowl #2

The last days of Bruce Wayne were fateful and momentous: betrayed by his lover Jetsabel Jet to the Black Glove, an evil organization of wealthy socialite criminals whose raison d'être is to corrupt and destroy noble souls, Bruce was attacked with a post-hypnotic suggestion that had been implanted during his time in an isolation chamber (he was trying to simulate madness in an attempt to better understand the Joker), and, just for kicks, they also shoot him up with heroin and crystal meth before dumping him in the ghetto. If Batman has a super-power, though, it is his uncanny level of preparedness against any possible assault, and to protect himself in the event of an attack on his mind, Bruce used the memory of one of his isolation hallucinations as the basis for a safe mode for the operating system of his brain: the Batman of Zur-En-Arrh!

Above: Batman has lost his mind.

The Batman of Zur-En-Arrh prowls the streets, beating the agents of the Black Glove half to death with a baseball bat and ultimately confronting their leader in his stronghold at Arkham Asylum. There, Black Glove kingpin Dr. Jonathan Hurt feebly tries to convince Bruce first that he is actually his father, Thomas Wayne, and when that doesn't work he claims to be Satan (I guess) and offers to let Bruce live on the condition that he become his manservant. Somewhat predictably, Bruce rejects this offer, and in the ensuing melee a helicopter explodes and Batman is presumed dead.

BUT! In fact, Bruce survived the explosion, and is immediately called away on Justice League business to investigate the murder of the New God Orion, who was killed by a bullet of radion fired backwards through time. In the course of his investigation into this act of deicide, he is captured by the servants of Darkseid and is subject to weeks of psychic torture before overcoming his captors through the sheer force of his will, finally coming face-to-face with the Dark God himself. In his final moment, Batman breaks his vow to never kill or use a firearm -- and, armed with the same bullet that was used to kill Orion, he achieves the ultimate fulfillment of his life's mission by murdering the cosmic personification of evil, before falling victim to the dread Omega Sanction, becoming hopelessly dislodged from time and space. Batman RIP.

SO ANYWAY, all hell has broken loose in Gotham -- lol actually you know what, BBL.

First Church of the New Gods

FRIENDS: DO NOT WASTE ANOTHER PRAYER on sweaty desert gods who may never return! There are NEW GODS, and their struggles will decide the fate of all free peoples of the universe! Pray instead to Highfather, he who can read the will of the Source! Pray for mighty Orion, who fights for Earth! Pray for his strength, so that he might overcome the servants of Apokalips! Pray for his soul, so that he might travel through darkness and not become lost! Finally, pray for yourselves! Pray that you never have to live as a malformed slave of Darkseid! Pray that Death can race faster than Anti-Life!

The Heroes

batman is a brilliant lyricist

COMIX ON PARADE

Daredevil #117

Following the death of his wife, Wilson "The Kingpin" Fisk left America to start a new life in Europe, where he quickly fell in love with a Spanish woman and her two young children. For their sake he had renounced violence, and so it fell upon Lady Bullseye and her army of undead ninja assassins ("The Hand") to brutally murder them, and thereby free Fisk to return to the business of trying to kill Daredevil. This catastrophically stupid plan backfires almost immediately, as the Kingpin does return to New York to find Daredevil, but does so to form an alliance with the intent of destroying The Hand once and for all. Wilson seems to consider this a suicide mission, but seeing as The Hand have never successfully completed any evil plot that I can remember, he probably just has a death wish.




Dark Avengers #3


We flashback to Norman Osborn sitting down for a heart-to-heart with The Sentry about what it's like to be an out-of-control super-powered lunatic, while a bunch of crazy shit like this continues to happen.





Captain America #48

Bucky has been captured by the mad scientist Zhang Chin, an enemy from his past who has also managed to kidnap Namor the Sub-Mariner and to resurrect the original Human Torch. Chin intends to use Human Torch as a carrier for a deadly virus he's created, but the Black Widow arrives in time to free the heroes. Bucky manages to stop the virus, while Namor kills Chin and reminds us surface dwellers of the need to control our useless and disgusting emotions -- a lesson both valuable and timely.




X-Force/Cable: MESSIAH WAR

Tired of waiting for Cable to stop dicking around in the future and bring the damn messiah home, Cyclops sends Wolverine and the other mean, pointy X-Men he hangs out with forward through time to find him. Upon arriving they immediately run into Deadpool, who is there not because he has a time machine but because he has just gone on living for a thousand years, and together they set out to find Cable and engage him in a completely pointless fight. Meanwhile, Bishop finds Cable's arch-enemy, his demented clone Stryfe, drinking in a bar. Bishop blames all of the crimes he's committed against humanity on Cable, and promises Stryfe revenge against HIS arch-enemy (Stryfe's, not Bishop's; Bishop's arch-enemy is Cable) Apocalypse if he kills Cable. Oh, and they might all be stuck in the future or something. I guess.



X-Men: Sword of the Braddocks

lol I changed my mind, I do not want to read this fucking thing

New Avengers # 51

This issue opens up with Dormammu telling the Hood that Dr. Strange isn't Sorcerer Supreme anymore and that the Hood should kill him before anyone else gets the chance.
Meanwhile Dr. Strange is trying to find the new Sorcerer Supreme. He talks to Wiccan, thinking he might be the one when the Hood shows up.

Also concurrently the New Avengers are meeting and they decide that Ronin/Hawkeye/Clint Barton will be the new team leader with Ms. Marvel being second in command.
Barton's first order of business is that Spider-man needs to unmask. After all how can they trust someone who they never get to look in the eye.

According to what's been said from the spidey braintrust about the BRAND NEW DAY. Everything that happened in the past still happened except Mary Jane and Peter Parker never married and also that when Spidey unmasked in front of tv cameras during the civil war everybody saw his face but then forgot who he was.

Spider-man spends about 5 minutes time lamenting how his family and friends could get hurt if the wrong people found out who he is. Then just whips his mask off.



Jessica Jones-Cage then tells Petey how she used to be in love with him in high school much to the displeasure of Luke Cage. Wolverine just sits there and eats proving once again he's the best at what he does. All of a sudden they hear a noise and rush outside, Petey still unmasked (which seems kind of odd). Lying on Captain Bucky's doorstep is Dr. Strange all roughed up and asking for help.