abomination errr--Ultimatum # 3 recap

apparently magneto has given up on mutant supremacy and decides that since he can evidently manipulate volcanoes,tidal waves, and the weather with his magnetic powers he will now create a new heaven on earth choosing those who he shall save. he tells mystique this while mystique is looking like the scarlet witch in her undies.


henry pym having witnessed his ex-wife being eaten by the blob (who in this issue has become even more ugly) becomes super engraged. pym picks up the blob who must've just got done playing the x-men arcade game because he shouts, "nothing moves the blob----." pym bites the blob's head off and spits it out and then rushes janet's corpse back to the triskelion and tells iron man to look up the encrypted JOCASATA project.


angel wants to go fight magneto by himself since dazzler is dead. the rest of the x-men get in his way.


captain america and thor are somewhere in asgard fighting off ogres and monsters. cap asks thor if they are in hell. thor says no. but then hel shows up proving that thor doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. hel tells thor that she'll restore the valkyrie to life but one of them will have to stay.


multiple man is acting as a suicide bomber around the world blowing up crap everywhere. henry pym somehow makes all the suicide bombing multiple men attacking the triskelion jump on him and he rushes out into the ocean where they all blow up. valkyrie and captain america wake up from death. captain america is sad because thor died in his place and then hawkeye who's becoming quite the bitch says something like "well thor wasn't the only one to die saving you; henry pym died saving the woman you both love."


then captain america realizes that they need to gather every available hero to save the world, even though charlie xavier told them the same shit in issue 1.



GRADE: F-

only two more issues and a few more tie-ins until it's over. i wish marvel would kick jeph loeb to the curb afterwards.

Namor's True Enemy

who does namor hate more, captain america or the inuit peoples?

Captain America #43

In this issue, Bucky gets his ass kicked by Batroc the Leaper.



Bucky est donné des coups de pied son âne par le Batroc Leaper.

Comment embarrassant!

THOR #11

It's been a year since the death of Steve Rogers, and Thor finally gets around to visiting the Captain America memorial in New York to pay his damn respects. Upon arriving, he attempts to summon forth Cap's soul -- a gesture that seems almost touching in its sad futility, until Captain America's literal ghost appears (!). Ghost Captain America charitably declines Thor's offer to avenge his death, but does go on to complain that his soul cannot rest because political pundits won't stop exploiting his death for ratings. It may seem unbecoming for the spirit of history's greatest hero to be so agitated by the nightly news, but the mighty Thor is nothing if not accommodating, and he uses his Hammer of the Gods to disrupt the transmission of cable news networks for sixty seconds of silence. Deeply touching.

Meanwhile, the other Norse gods are getting bored in Oklahoma, and the sexy new Loki begins planting the seeds for war between Asgard and Earth. This may strike you as an issue more urgently requiring the attention of Thor than making sure cranky old ghosts don't get too worked up when they watch TV, but the thoughts of the gods are not ours to understand, my friends.

EDITOR'S NOTE: i am not joking all of that really happened in this issue

COMIX I READ LAST WEEK

DAREDEVIL #111

Lady Bullseye is, I guess, an okay (if not desperately original) character idea, but that costume is a god damn mess. As a child, Lady Bullseye was inadvertently rescued from slavery by Gentleman Bullseye, and soon after she discovered that she was born, like all Japanese people, with the instinctive ability to kill with her bare hands. Now she has turned her talents towards killing Daredevil's allies, probably in some harebrained scheme to make Bullseye fall in love with her. I guess that's women for you.

Meanwhile, Matt goes to bed with Dakota North, the supermodel-turned-private detective (a totally plausible career change). This in spite of the fact that his blind wife is locked away in an insane asylum, stemming from recent events that he's indirectly responsible for. What a dick!


CAPTAIN AMERICA #42

Here we see the new Captain America finally unravel the plot that killed Steve Rogers and nearly sent the country spiraling into anarchy, a conspiracy made up of:

The Red Skull
the mad Captain America from the '50s
an evil businessman
an evil politician
an evil psychiatrist
an evil scientist who exists as a giant green face projected onto a TV with legs

and so on. To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what happened in this issue, and I've read it twice. The plot involves a number of betrayals and several people switching their brains into the bodies of other people and I'm sure someone will make sense of this but that person is not me. What's notable here is that Brubaker is able to make the new Captain seem like something fresh, despite Bucky being every bit the relic that Steve Rogers was. This is a good comic book!


KING-SIZE CABLE SPECTACULAR

This is the most preposterous series I have ever read. The premise: two years after the Decimation that wiped out all but 198 mutants, a mutant child has been born. A melee ensues, and finally the X-Men are able to secure the baby from the various factions who seek to control her. The fate of mutantkind could hinge on the survival of this child, and Cyclops makes the only reasonable decision to ensure her safety: he hands her over to his estranged son, the paramilitant zealot from the future, who straps her to his chest and takes her to a post-apocalyptic New York where gun-toting lunatics are constantly trying to kill them both.


Look at the size of that gun! He is constantly firing that thing off, inches from the head of a damn little baby! He might as well forgo the gun and just fucking throw her at people. I know we are talking about a comic book, but this strikes me as untenably insane. I didn't actually read this latest issue, but if it's anything like the previous seven, it went something like this:

BISHOP: HAND OVER THE GIRL, CABLE!
CABLE: NEVER!!!!!

and then they shoot at each other for 45 pages.